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A handful of men.

She went home to a loveless relationship held together only by variable interest rate on their joint mortgage. Dinner consisted of leftovers from the fridge that she managed to create something from. They ate in silence while studying the perfect lives of others in short clips on their phones. Their necks were bent, as if for an execution. He suddenly laughed at something, and she looked at him in surprise.

-What was that?

-Oh, nothing really.

-But you laughed.

-Did I? he replied and returned to the screen.

After dinner, they watched a show formatted by an algorithm that had learnt their tastes over the years, making it so predictable that they fell asleep on separate sofas. When she woke up, he had already gone to bed without waking her.

The TV was on and CNN was repeating world news that made her to reconsider her stand on the death penalty. Imagine being able to cleanse the earth of the handful of men who are at the root of all the shit happening on the planet. But she doesn't believe in the death penalty. It might solve some problems, but what would it do to her? What kind of person would they turn her into? But at some point you may have to strike a balance. If you can reduce the suffering of millions of people by getting rid of one, isn't that a good deed?

She brushed her teeth and changed into a nightgown before crawling into bed where her husband was sleeping with his oxygen mask on and still snoring. She studied him and the foggy mask over his nose and mouth. If he didn't work at the Land Survey, could he also have become a powerful despot who oppressed and duped his people, threatened neighbouring countries and executed critics? She hesitated, reminding herself that her thoughts should not be applied to all men. One should not generalise. But at the same time, she could not ignore the fact that it is almost exclusively men who make the world a worse place. A handful of men, but still men. That's a fact.

She suddenly felt lucky that she only shared her life with one really boring man. At the same time, she was glad that she didn't agree to them taking out a life insurance policy on her. They might not love each other anymore, but she wasn't going to give him the slightest reason to want to kill her.

Opportunity makes the thief and all that.

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The Promised Land of Oblivion.

It's funny how a phenomenon transitions from being seen as a groundbreaking form of treatment to eventually end up being regarded as unscientific mumbo jumbo. The believers studied for years and read books by old dead men who had no clue what they were doing. Afterwards, the believers spent their days in a chair listening to patients ruminate on their inner selves. Some may have left the sessions with increased self-awareness, but many emerged even more confused than they were initially. They would have achieved more lasting positive results if patients were served coconut balls instead.

However, there is one field where psychoanalysis has made a lasting mark - filmmaking. I'm not referring to all those depictions of neurotic characters endlessly lying on a couch at their therapists. No, it's rather the idea of repressed memories that has been utterly irresistible to screenwriters. I don't know how many movies and series I've seen revolving around childhood trauma. Preferably abuse or traumatic experiences in relationships or in a war that the main character doesn't remember and hinders him from living his life to the fullest. In reality, there is nothing we humans remember better than horrific events in our lives. They are the ones that stick despite our desire to get rid of them. Unfortunately, it's not as spectacular to make a film about what we truly have forgotten.

-What’s the movie about, Anders?

-A man who has repressed what kind of shorts he was wearing on a vacation in Egypt.

We remember what matters. We remember what deviates from everyday life. That's why memory researchers encourage us to associate facts with obscenities, so we trick the brain into sticking a permanent Post-it note there. Albert Einstein = pubic hair.

But in the world of film, there is nothing more attractive than a protagonist carrying an unconscious trauma. Cut to flashback: A man hits a little boy on the head with a saucepan. Cut back to the adult protagonist: Rubbing his eyes and looking bewildered. It's only through a breakthrough with his psychoanalyst (who is also his love interest) that the lead character becomes aware of what he has been through. Cut to reconciliation scene. Tears. Embrace. Strings. Plinky piano. End credits. The end.

An unforgettable film.

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The Defrosted

In the year 2324, a spectacular discovery was made by chance. A sealed cavern was found containing hundreds of cryogenic chambers, each housing a frozen human from the year 2024, hoping to one day be resurrected. Some sought to cure an incurable disease, while the vast majority longed to wake up in a future where science had paved the way for extended lifespans.

As it turned out, their $200,000 was not entirely wasted. Technological progress had made it possible to thaw people from -197°C and revive them. The bad news was that the majority in the tanks were around 80 years old and filthy rich. So the planet suddenly had a flock of privileged individuals scurrying around smelling like old freezers that had never been defrosted. They might get their long-awaited 40 extra years of life, thanks to new diets and genetically engineered drugs. The fact that they still leaked like a sieve and had to wear adult diapers somewhat reduced the initial joy. The butt plug took on a whole new function.

Sadly, dementia was still not curable or stoppable, leaving many with decades ahead of them with the consciousness of a mandarin. Those who were still mentally intact were hugely annoying people who were used to being listened to. They demanded media attention and could never stop talking about how amazing and successful their lives had been. It soon became clear that the ultimate motive for the freeze was that they believed they had so much to give to future generations. A crash course in ruining the planet? someone asked and was met with a slightly frostbitten evil eye.

Relatives of the Defrosted were also allowed to meet their distant ancestors, which didn't lead to anything good. Small children were frightened out of their wits, and adults were faced with the dilemma of dealing with an ancient relative who demanded attention, service, and meat-based fast food. What the Defrosted people didn't realize was that in 300 years, humanity had evolved. Among other things, it had stopped being obsessed with the idea of living as long as possible. The optimum is to live as well as possible for as long as possible. The human body has an expiry date, just like any other living thing, a scientist told them matter-of-factly. The Defrosted shouted angrily that it was just an opinion and that they felt offended by having their dream questioned. They therefore demanded to be frozen again and thawed when scientists had learned to become more customer friendly and market oriented. So the Defrosted bitterly went back into their capsules for another dreamless sleep.

What they had forgotten is the indisputable fact that you can't defrost meat more than once.

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Killing dogs.

I'm thinking about my dog today. She died a year ago. Died and died, by the way, we went and put her down at the vet's. She fell asleep in my lap and was clearly less affected by the moment than my wife and I were. We cried like children.

Signe was a beloved Jack Russel. In fact, I think most people liked Signe better than me. People cuddled with her, gave her treats, let her sit in their lap, jump up on the sofa where no other dog had ever been, etc. To be honest, I also liked Signe better than myself. She was our second dog, even though we swore never to get another one after our Labrador Gillis. He was also amazing in his own way and with an eating disorder that made him constantly hungry. An evolutionary defect that had the positive effect that as long as you held out something edible, you could get him to do anything. Unfortunately, his long-term memory didn't seem to be great, because he forgot what he was taught almost immediately. Or maybe he was so clever that he pretended to forget in order to get another bribe.

I don't know. But when you look into your beloved dog's eyes, you hope to catch a glimpse of intelligence, caring, keen friendship, or why not love? Anthropomorphism is the fancy word for attributing human characteristics to animals. But it feels like most of us only apply it to animals that we don't plan to eat. If we saw fragments of our own emotional register in other animals, there would probably not be any Christmas ham or turkey. Attributing animal characteristics to humans is called zoomorphism. Often it is negative characteristics that are emphasised. Eating like a pig, being slippery as an eel, being scared as a hare. Hung like a horse also occurs, but it’s unclear whether this is a compliment or a handicap. Yes, this is how my thoughts wander sometimes. Like a donkey. Anyway, we have decided not to get a new dog. Neither of us has the psyche to put another one to sleep.

However, there will be a turkey at Christmas

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A second shot at life.

My old school recently discovered that the skeleton used in biology lessons and theatre performances is not made of plastic at all. Somehow, the remains of a real human have been given a second life. The school apologised, saying that they usually check their equipment but obviously failed in this case. A reasonable defense, I think. What else could they have done? Tried to make broth from the bone frame? Personally, I can't help but wonder if the mistake may turn out to be pedagogical gold. Both Hamlet and biology lessons suddenly take on a completely different tone. There's another person in the room. Who was this human who walked the earth for a while?

I believe this can be a groundbreaking step away from the academically dry and artistically dusty. Like a parachute jump into the deeply personal that only a lived life can offer. Suddenly, students are not staring into the plastic hollowness of a skull but meeting the gaze of a human. A life story. Hamlet is actually Mike Richards who fell asleep drunk in the rapeseed field and didn't hear the combine harvester coming early in the morning.

I see enormous opportunities for the country's teachers ahead of me. All schools should be equipped with real skeletons, and teachers should have free rein to come up with anything they want about their origins. We want to connect with people and need to create the history that education requires.

-Here comes George Washington.

Isn't that an opening for a history lesson that no one will forget?

-Kids, meet Jeanette, she died of tertiary syphilis. You can see it in the skeletal injuries here and here. (Sex education)

-Simon went to this school until he joined a criminal gang and was killed by a rival gang who cut off his genitalia and let him bleed to death. (Social studies)

This will revolutionise both education and theatre. It also leads me to think a little extra about my own death. I don't want to be cremated or buried. Not when there's an opportunity to enrich future generations. I want to live forever as a teaching aid and prop.

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Labour on the dining table.

I am invited to a dinner party and end up next to a young girl who looks like she could give birth before the starter is served. Wise from experience, I don't comment on her condition but wait until she brings it up on her own. Then I act pleasantly surprised and pretend to discover her tummy for the first time. She is of course thrilled to be expecting her first child, just as I was. That magical combination of being part of the most universal course of humanity, while being such a unique and magical event in your own life.

-We are going to give birth naturally, she says enthusiastically.

-Really? What does that mean? I ask with interest.

-On our own. Just my husband and I, at home. That's him over there, she adds, pointing to an anaemic figure at the other end.

-How exciting, otherwise I've heard that you can get help from one of those Doulas, I say, showing that I'm neither judging nor out of touch with the present.

-No, we want to do it all by ourselves. As it was intended from the beginning.

-When women died like flies in childbirth, I respond before I can stop myself.

-It's my labour, she says abrupt.

-Absolutely. Sorry, I just get so nervous when people dismiss centuries of progress and call it natural. As if I would go to the dentist and refuse anaesthesia for a root canal.

-It's hardly the same thing.

-No, you're right. What does your husband do? I ask.

-He works at the National Land Survey, why? she replies irritably.

-So he's not much to count on if there's a breech birth, heavy bleeding or lack of oxygen?

After that we eat in silence. The dishes come and go. I feel a bit guilty that I didn't keep my mouth shut and just played along. Later, when the dance has started and I'm standing alone at the bar, her husband joins me. I think that this is my opportunity to compensate for my insensitivity towards his wife.

-So, I think your wife got a bit upset with me, I say.

-Yes, I heard, he replies.

-It was foolish of me to make comments ...

-Between you and me, he suddenly says in a low voice and grabs my arm. You're absolutely right. I can draw straight lines between properties, but I don't know shit about births or how to save lives. I'm fucking terrified of this.

Then suddenly his wife's water breaks on the dance floor and a doctor at the party offers to take them straight to the maternity ward at the nearest Hospital.

-You are saved, I tell the husband.

Much later I hear that they had a beautiful little daughter and that everything went well with the help of a wonderful midwife, nitrous oxide and an epidural anesthesia.

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Our moment on Earth.

It doesn't look like we'll be able to keep the planet's temperature at a reasonable level. Doom, who has mostly been lying on his daybed picking his teeth with a poker, groans, gets up and starts his little walk in our direction. He's been busy creating and extinguishing some solar systems and sorting through all the Red Dwarfs. Perhaps he should stop calling them that and say Little Red's instead? It's unclear, but for now they'll just have to keep their name. Otherwise, he's mostly been dabbling in his favourite material - dark matter. It's the least judgemental material you can work with, as it lacks mass. A couple of pots, some serving plates and three teacups, but the one he is most pleased with is an abstract troll. It's a good pastime and sometimes, when he's in the mood, he thinks of his work as non-figurative art.

He has visited us on Earth before, giving us ice ages, meteorites and other life-destroying events. But he was younger then and enjoyed being cruel for no reason. Now he's more mature and more of a middle-aged janitor wandering around the universe trying to keep some kind of order. That little blue planet, he thinks, shaking his head dejectedly and adjusting his sex in his carpenter's trousers with one hand. It looked so promising for a while, a planet that managed to create a sustainable atmosphere and conditions for life. And life came, first as tiny, insignificant bacteria that with numbing slowness eventually transformed and created everything that grows and lives.

Eventually, a species evolved that came to completely dominate the planet, which was somewhat surprising given its complete lack of consequentialist thinking. It may have been the smartest species on the planet after millions of years of evolution, but on the whole it was just a bunch of idiots. Full of themselves and their own excellence. Even when faced with the threat of extinction, they refused to change their lifestyle. Self-annihilation, isn't that what it's called?

So Doom grabs a stool and sits down to watch the show from the front row. He thinks this will be a bit like popping popcorn. Maybe something surprisingly tasty and edible can come out of this too? He knows that the planet will survive and that life will return in a new form. But it's a shame that no one will be around to tell the new life forms what went wrong last time.

But maybe it doesn't matter, he thinks, every generation wants the privilege of making its own mistakes, right?

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