The Working Class.

As election season approaches, all politicians suddenly pretend to understand how "ordinary people" live. People they’ve at best seen in a Mike Leigh film, but whom they now claim to be best friends with. I don’t think they realise how ridiculous they look, tilting their heads in feigned empathy while earning £6,000 a month. They claim to have met 43-year-old Sara from Salisbury. A single mother of five who’s worn herself out after 20 years in the care sector. With the current government’s policies, she’s promised an extra £25 a month to afford that jar of kimchi that brightens her day. The opposition claims to have met Arnie, who’s been laying floors for 30 years and now needs a double knee replacement while his wife is on long-term sick leave. He’ll get an extra £27 a month if there’s a change of government, which might just cover a sack of firewood for the family to gather around.

I don’t think they’re fooling anyone, but it’s still annoying that they never talk about me. I’m both a potential voter and a hard-working individual. When will I see a party leader look into the camera with those puppy-dog eyes and grovel for my vote?

- I met Anders, who’s spent his entire life chained to a keyboard and has developed repetitive strain injury. First, he had surgery on his left arm, and now he’s got the same problem in his right, forcing him to wear a restrictive support glove. But Anders soldiers on, even though his arm has turned purple and smells a bit off. He now types with a pen in his mouth, poking at the keyboard. Sadly, his eyes have also deteriorated from all the screen time, making every letter both a physical and artistic struggle. And since Anders also has to navigate between film consultants, directors, actors, producers, and co-financiers, he needs medication for his escalating schizophrenia. With our policies, Anders will get… erm…

It’s regrettably clear that no party has anything to offer me. Neither ideologically nor financially. I’ll drown my sorrows with a bottle of Absolute Nothing after the election. The only comfort is that I will not be alone. You and the rest of the working-class nation will be right there beside me.