The Host Animal.

I have a tear in one of my eyes, which glows an angry red. It has been going on for a couple of weeks, so I’m heading to a doctor just to be safe. After a thorough examination, she confirms that it’s a superficial rupture that will heal on its own.

-But, she adds, I can see that you have an infection in both eyes.

-Do I?

-Yes, you are red and irritated at the corners of your eyes, and that’s because you have mites in your eyelashes.

-Mites? What are they doing there?

-They’re everywhere, but it’s not the mites themselves that you’re reacting to.

-So what is it then?

I leave the clinic with my self-esteem at an absolute low. Even though I tried to maintain a neutral expression in front of the doctor, I suspect that the disgust and my horror shone through.

-I think I’ll settle in his armpit; it’s always warm and cosy there, said one mite to another.

-I think I’ll choose the scalp, because from there I can see the world, said another mite.

-Okay. I’ll take the eyelashes, said the third mite after a moment's thought.

-What are you going there for? asked the second mite.

-There, I can poop in his eyes.

I didn’t think my self-esteem could sink any lower, but it turned out there were several floors left to descend. I even thought the doctor gave me a disgusted look after her diagnosis, but that might have been more in my head.

For several weeks, I manically cleaned my eyes with wet wipes soaked in tea tree oil, on the doctor’s advice. My wife wondered what I was up to, and I replied that it was a new skincare treatment for aging.

-I didn’t think you believed in that sort of thing? she said, pleasantly surprised.

How could I tell her that the brown eyes she once fell so in love with were now a toilet for vermin? I mean, how much can a marriage really take? It would have been significantly easier to say that I hate puppies and have just contracted syphilis.

-But darling, why have you kept this to yourself? she would have said, chuckling softly.

Four weeks later, the treatment is over, and my eyes have a milky quality and the scent of tea tree oil. But thankfully, I no longer have any itching in my eyes.

I wonder where all the mites have moved to? I think to myself as I absentmindedly scratch between my legs.