The Final Rest.

I happened to hear on the radio that 37 million kronor is being spent in a small Swedish town on rebuilding the crematorium ovens. That’s the kind of information that doesn’t pass unnoticed by my limbic system. Especially when a man explains that the “clients” have grown larger and that they must adapt accordingly.

I find myself thinking that the population has evolved in step with the development of television sets. People have gone from the old 4:3 format to 16:9. The coffins have grown larger, and the ovens must be widened to accommodate a sedentary generation raised on junk food and fast carbohydrates.

I begin to wonder how they manage in other municipalities that still have the old 4:3 ovens. I can see several possible solutions. One is that steel funnel-like contraption you feed your Christmas tree into and get it elegantly wrapped in a plastic net. With a thicker plastic net, bodies ought to be compressible enough — like expensive salami — to slide more easily into the furnace.

If that proves insufficient, then surely some form of post-mortem fat reduction must be possible. It wouldn’t even require anaesthesia, and one could carelessly shave down the more troublesome areas until the body fits the opening. I imagine a larger version of one of those slicing machines they have in Italian delicatessens.

I may be venturing outside my area of expertise here, but surely it ought to cost substantially less than 37 million?

Another solution would be for the country to make a massive investment in public health: tax sugar heavily, encourage people to eat better, and get them exercising throughout their lives. But I realise that this is such an idiotic idea that I probably shouldn’t even mention it.